COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
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My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.