A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Cheers Twitter.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.