They’re not wrong
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You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I put the h in mysterious.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.