Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
☺️
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.