When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
You Might Also Like
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Roses are red, you always mattered,
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Saw your ex at the shops
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.