Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
You Might Also Like
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
That’s it.I’m out.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.