Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them