Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
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I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*