I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Just had my nails done!
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.