Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Finally! 😈
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.