the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
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“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
pelicons
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
just having fun
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids