If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!