hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
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it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper