[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”