How to shape your eyebrows
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Always a metermaid never a meter
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…