Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Livid.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.