When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
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Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Mountain Goat : )
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos