Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Never forget.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan