Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
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*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.