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Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.