[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I’m not stressed
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.