Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
You Might Also Like
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years