FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]