Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
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*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Not all heroes wear capes….
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
ok like just. call me at this point
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
This meal prepping shit is easy
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.