Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I saw nothing
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’