My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Ovenable?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”