call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”