Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.