I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
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My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.