The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
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My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?