[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
🙅🏻
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago