A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer