It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’