Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
You Might Also Like
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.