Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
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I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!