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It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Still laughing at this stupid meme
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Meat Cute