During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
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One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
You sure about that?