me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
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Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.