I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Happy weekend !
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Ha.