[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.