I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam