date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
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“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
The Joker was right
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.