Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
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*struts into the new year
~ trips
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
The glockness monster
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit