When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
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[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.