When libraries troll their patrons.
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Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Nose
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Whoa… oh I see lol
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?