Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
There is no try. There is only give up.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days