[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Cha-ching is my safe word
😲 WTF? 😆
pictures of spider-man
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!