Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
You Might Also Like
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas