I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying