asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this š
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guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who donāt speak his language then doesnāt back down, save me
I picked up one of my sonās school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said āI dropped a meatball in it.ā
i actually laughed š©
Unimpressed
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If youāre the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
If your spouseās loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
guys in LA in their 30s are like āi love going camping, i love sleeping outside.ā and itās like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
āAmen and dig inā is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when thereās food involved.
God: youāre an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didnāt I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If you canāt handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random āStar Warsā quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.